I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
