So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
