Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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