i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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