I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I need water and some morals
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
