if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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