Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
