Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
