that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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