the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
