Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
