Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
