Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
