she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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