I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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