i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
