I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.