The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
