if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
