I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
