I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
