Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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