I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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