Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
