i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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