We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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