I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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