Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
