I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
