If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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