Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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