It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
