Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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