I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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