I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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