i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
