I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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