Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
