I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
