You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
