She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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