she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
