i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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