i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
