my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He felt like a one man threesome
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curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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