Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Someone shit on the floor
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
