i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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