**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize