is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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