Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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