White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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