The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
