If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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