What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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