My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
