Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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