i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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