just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
