For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
