I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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