I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
